My Shipper Heart by marvar
by MeetTheMateContest
Summary: Edward wasn't looking for anyone, but he found her just the same. It's too bad she thinks he's just a client.


**Title:** My Shipper Heart

 **Summary:** Edward wasn't looking for anyone, but he found her just the same. It's too bad she thinks he's just a client.

 **Pairing:** Edward/Bella

 **Rating:** M

 **Word count:** 3983

* * *

I'm currently in my living room contemplating a coffee IV because I've been up for forty hours straight trying to refine the beta version of my new website. I think it's going to be an instant hit and social media will be all over it, but first I need to convince my best friends to be my business partners.

Which might be a tiny challenge. Because while my friends are smart, savvy women, they are not very goal-oriented and tend to get a bit distracted from their life goals.

Like graduating and jobs.

Even though we haven't graduated yet (I have one semester left and they are midway through the six year plan), I know that starting my company now is imperative, because in the tech world, timing is everything. So I'm going to run myself ragged for a few more months until I graduate. It's not like I have a social life anyway. Which makes the subject matter of my site even more ironic.

I launch into my presentation of the new website and app I've designed over the last semester. I got the idea while creating my final project for my computer entrepreneurship class. I got an A and an offer from my professor for investment, so I know it's rock-solid. I come to the end of the presentation, and look over to my two friends, waiting for their reactions to my excellent presentation.

"So we are going to be paid to sext guys?" Alice and Rosalie say, almost in tandem.

So much for my excellent presentation. I toss my notes in the air. I should have made an angry cat video instead.

"Of course not. That's what you're coming away with from my ten minute spiel?"

"We're just kidding. I just like when you get frustrated. You get a huge, throbbing vein on your forehead. I've named it Peter," Alice says, like that's normal.

"Peter. Excellent. Like a dick. And it's throbbing too," Rose chimes in.

"Duh," Alice says. "Where do you think I got the idea, Rose?"

"Um, can we get back to this, please? You people are missing the point."

"I get it, Bella," Alice replies. "People sign up and we send them text messages and emails and stuff so other people will think that they have a girlfriend. But not."

"Er, yeah."

"Such a professional answer," she says sarcastically. "I'm not sure you're CEO material. Though I do buy into this whole 'Silicon Valley' nerd thing you have going, I'm thinking our clients need real girlfriends, not fake ones."

"You would know about fake and silicon."

"Please. My tits are one hundred percent saline," Rose scoffs.

"Silicon is making a comeback, Rose. I was thinking of doing a tiny ass implant," Alice says.

"I will totally plant something up your ass, Alice," I say, gritting my teeth. She bends over and wiggles. Of course she's not offended. "Can we get back to this?"

"Um, you brought up the tit talk."

I roll my eyes. "Look. It's a site for people who, for whatever reason, need a pretend girlfriend. Like if they have parental pressure to get set up all the time or pushy women always throwing themselves at them and can't take a hint. We will be there to offer our services. You'll be the fake girlfriends to start out. As we get bigger, we'll hire staff."

"It's like a dating site because we do profiles of the clients to see what they like, but no one ever meets?" Alice asks.

"Yes. They fill out a questionnaire that provides a backstory. That's what I want you to work on. You have the writing expertise. And Rose will be the expert at-"

"The booty calls," Alice interrupts. Rose throws a muffin at her head.

"There will be no booty calls! It's not Tinder, for fuck's sake. No physical contact at all."

"Lucky fuckers. They're getting me cheap. Twenty-five dollars. Pish." Rosalie scoffs. "I still think it should be more."

"My research shows that's a doable price point for the basic service."

"We don't we charge extra for booty calls? I think that's a lost opportunity," Alice asks. "Research that, Bella."

"Like she needs a poll to find out if we're doable for twenty-five bucks," Rose replies.

"Jimmy Christmas." I sigh. These two exhaust me. "Rose will obviously be the media expert-"

"Having tons of followers like a Kardashian-in-training doesn't make her a media expert."

"No, but my almost degree in business media qualifies me. And don't call me a Kardashian. I don't have a giant ass."

"Kim has two giant asses. I'm counting Kanye. And you do have a fuck tape," Alice retorts.

"We swore we would never speak of that again," Rose says through gritted teeth.

"You swore. Not me."

"Bella?" Rose whines.

"Don't include me in this again. I wasn't the one who drank the worm in Cancun. You're really lucky that you wore that Nacho Libre mask in it so no one can tell it's you. But can we please get back to business? Are you in or out?"

"Bella, do you really think this is going to work? I mean, are people that desperate?"

Before I reply, Rose answers, "It's a fantastic idea, Alice. I might use it to get my mom off my back if we can find some guys to work the site. Texts from a woman won't work. She won't believe that I've turned to the pink side."

I laugh. "Especially not after all the times she caught you with Garrett at your house senior year."

"Oh, Garrett," she sighs.

"That sounds like what you were yelling on prom night," I mutter.

"That boy sure knew how to eat some pus-"

"Ugh, Rose. Can we not go there right now? Or like ever?" I put my hand on my face and rub my eyes in frustration.

Alice does not concur. "Oh, this is a good story. I like the part when her legs were over his shoulders in the hot tub and she was doing a semi-handstand."

"All those gymnastics lessons really paid off." Rose sighs again, obviously reminiscing about her sexcapades.

"Ugh. Maybe I should have started a sex site. You two pros can't stop talking about it." I feel like throwing all my charts and projections I compiled out the window. These two could go on like this for hours, and while usually I'm amused by their tangents, we're glossing over my company this time- and not the latest Buzzfeed quiz. Once we debated which Disney Princess we would be for hours. The aftermath was not pretty. They're still jealous that I got Little Mermaid. Like either of them would actually touch a fish.

"I wish you had pics of Garrett's wang. Now that would've been a fuck tape to cherish," Alice says with a sigh.

"Because some fuck tapes are precious," I snark.

"Oh...his would be. That was one hell of a cock," Rose says wistfully. "Why do you think I can't find a decent guy now? No one can measure up."

"He was a total dick to you, Rose, when he left for college," I remind her.

"I know he was a dick. I meant that no one could measure up, literally. He was at least eight inches. He'd get so deep I think he bruised my intestines once."

"Are you sure you're not pre-med, Rose?" Alice asks. "With that excellent anatomy knowledge?"

"You're just jealous, Alice. Your last boyfriend, 'Little Mikey,' couldn't hit that right with a bat, let alone his tiny peen."

Alice stays quiet for a beat. "Agreed. I'm in, Bella. Maybe if we make a ton of money I can buy a well-hung boy toy to service me."

"I'm in too," says Rose. "Because the same."

"Maybe I should make a boy toy finder site instead. There's obviously a large market."

"That's a great idea, Bella. All of my mom's friends would use it. Those cougars have money, too."

"Definitely need to charge extra for booty calls on that app, Bella. I think you should focus on this idea instead."

"We can call it 'Findr.' Like with no 'E' in it. That's like a thing now."

"Ooh, Rose. I love it. You are a media genius."

Rose beams. I groan. Alice claps like a seal.

"I'll get on that male prostitute app right after I launch this one, okay? I'll need to make some bail money first."

"So touchy, Rose, isn't she?"

"We all just need to get laid. Maybe we can hook up with one of these desperate losers Bella wants us to chat up for cash."

"Excellent. Can you use that line in the media package? 'We'll hook up with desperate losers over the internet for cash.' "

"Okay, Bella. The sarcasm is getting a little over the top, now. Geez," Alice says, making a gesture to Rosalie that implies that she doesn't think I'm sane.

"Too much caffeine and not enough cock."

Alice and Rose laugh like hyenas. Or total cunts. However you want to label it. Though Rosalie is one hundred percent correct, I don't admit it to them. I just change the subject.

"So...names? I wanted your input."

"Loser. But spelled with no E."

"Loner. But l-o-n-r."

"How about 'you're both cunts' but with no E?" I say sweetly.

"That idea is terrible and doesn't even make sense. No wonder you need us," Rose replies.

"I guess we can go with your first choice," Alice says. "Though I think we should drop the 'E.' "

Rose agrees. "But you know she has this thing about spelling, Al. I'm getting pretty sick of her correcting my text messages."

"Oh! Yes...she types shouty caps at me all the time: 'UR IS AN ANCIENT SUMERIAN CITY, NOT THE SAME AS YOU'RE.' "

"She threatened me with bodily harm just last week when I wrote 'see you later.' " Rose says.

"Oh my god. You wrote the letter C, the letter U, and L-8-R. Like you couldn't type the actual words?" I say.

"I don't know if I can handle this hostile work environment, Rose. What's the policy on leave for emotional scarring for this company?"

"Ooh. Good question."

"It actually is. Because I think I'm going to take leave based on this conversation with you two."

"See? Totally hostile," Alice says, side-eyeing Rose.

"Okay. Enough. Are you two are completely on board?"

They look at each other. Then at me.

"Abso."

"Lutely."

"Then I guess Shipper is a go."

.

.

.

Two months later we're up to our asses in guys, and women-because we're not here to judge whom one fake loves. Who knew there was such a strong market for this?

Oh yeah, me...because I'm brilliant like that. I'm making a killing right now with so many clients I can barely keep up. Luckily I'm almost done with school or I'd be seriously close to an energy drink addiction.

We're about to expand into offering fake boyfriends soon. It took a while to recruit some dependable men that weren't total douchebags. I mean, part of the problem with having a boyfriend is that the unworthy ones can't keep an open line of communication.

It took a while to find some guys who needed jobs that could text in a timely manner and not be a total pervert (Rose and Alice did that research). Try finding that at your local university.

But Jasper and Emmett seem to be good guys - though I wondered if they were like eighty years old because of their names until I saw their birth dates. The third new guy was recommended by them.

The three new hires show up for our training session at our office (my house-because office space is expensive and this is a tiny company).

The guys walk in and introduce themselves to us. I shake hands but notice Alice and Rose haven't moved. Alice makes some sort of noncommittal sound, and Rose says nothing as she looks around the room.

"Um, ladies? Maybe you introduce yourselves? It's getting a little weird."

"Uh, right. I'm er, Alice, and this is um, Rose."

Rose nods nervously.

Jasper and Emmett grin and Demitri waves. There's a strange vibe in the room, but I ignore it and continue with the training. They get their client lists and phones and finally leave. The girls have said very little.

"So what the actual fuck was that about?" I ask. "Usually you two don't shut the hell up. Especially around three hot guys."

They both look at each other, each seeming to try to communicate wordlessly.

"Wesortofalreadyhookedupwiththem," comes out in one long stream.

Because we've been friends for many years, I understand them immediately. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. "Is that it?"

"Well, we tried to play it cool. We were worried you'd get mad, and they were worried they wouldn't get the jobs if we were involved," Rose says.

"Involved? Not just fucking?" I ask.

"Jasper is my soulmate. I can't speak for Rose."

"Ri-ight. Soulmate. And Rose, your soulmate? Emmett or Demitri?"

"Emmett is the hottest fuck I've ever had. His cock should be bronzed and put on a pedestal."

"Fantastic. So we have a bronze cock and soulmate."

"Like you have to be so crude, Bella? Geez," Rose says huffily.

"Crude? You were the one who was talking about metal alloy dick."

"How do you manage to make something so beautiful seem gross?" Alice asks.

"Beautiful," I huff. "Right."

"Emmett's cock is beautiful...no matter what Bella says...words can't bring it do-ow-nah...oh noooo-"

Oh no is right. We've come to the Alice-sings-her-own-lyrics portion of the the night, folks. Things are going south from here.

"Emmett's peen is beautiful in every single way..."

Far, far, south.

"Someone please go down on Bella to-daaaay..."

Like Antarctica.

.

.

.

.

.

"Hey, Edward. So are you going to sign up for our service, or what?" Emmett asks while we sit at lunch. "If I have to hear you bitch about your mom trying to set you up with another girl, I'm going to lose my shit."

"I'm going to lose _my_ shit, Emmett."

My mother has decided that I must date someone or her life isn't complete. She's been hounding me to date several of her friend's daughters. I was sort of a late bloomer and never dated too much in high school. I haven't made my few college conquests known to her, so I believe she thinks I'm socially inept. It can't be the fear of not having grandchildren because I'm only twenty-four for fuck's sake.

And yesterday's girl really took the cake. As in she actually took all the cake my mom made. I think she hid it in her purse when we weren't looking. This was after not eating any of the lunch she was served because she was "watching her carbs." And this was the best part of the date.

"What now? Another one that thought 'studying for the bar' was learning how to make cosmos?" Jasper asks.

"My mom had someone waiting for me when I went over yesterday. Straight up freak." I stop them before they comment. "And not the good kind. And she keeps offering me different girls over every time I visit. She has pictures of new ones. My mom is a pimp with a scrapbook of desperation."

"I don't get it," says Jasper. "You're perfectly capable of getting your own dates. You're reasonably good looking-"

"Thanks so much." I glare at him. Emmett laughs.

Dicks.

"And you're smart and sort of fit - if you keep working out that is," he continues. "Why aren't you dating?"

"Is it erectile disfunction?" Emmett whispers loudly. The ladies at the next table glance over at me, wide-eyed.

"I bet his mom saw that cable show where the weird loner dudes fall in love with their car or like a Ferris wheel. She got worried when she was reminded of Edward," adds Jasper.

"What the fuck...now I'm a weird loner dude that either can't get it up or fucks his VW beetle in the tailpipe?" They both shrug and start laughing. I flip both of them off. "I don't even..."

"Me thinks the gentleman doth protest too much about boning a car," Jasper says.

"Shakespeare. Nice." Emmett nods his appreciation.

"He's a regular Sir Ian McKellen," I say angrily. "Magneto, you stupid fucks," I add when I see their blank looks. "And that quote wasn't even correct. How are you two drama majors?"

"We like pretending to do shit."

"Ok-aay. How about pretending to have a clue?"

"Dude." Emmett looks hurt. He blinks his eyes. I see a tear forming. What the fuck?

"Are you actually crying?"

"And scene. Drama major, bitch," Emmett crows. He bows his head.

"Nice improv, Em," Jasper says appreciatively.

"I can't believe I'm thinking that I'd rather be talking about me fucking a car. Can we get back to me? I just want to focus on school right now. My last semester is killer and then I have to take the bar."

"But you're like a genius or whatever. The bar is going to be a joke for you," says Emmett.

"Hopefully. And I guess a woman in my life just isn't a priority right now. I can find my own woman, but I haven't met anyone special enough."

"Maybe you need some foreign action. What about a Mercedes," Emmett chokes out. "I hear German cars put out."

"Fuck you both," I say over their fits of laughter as they wheeze out some more shit about how putting a bikini on my Volvo was the only way I could get Swedish pussy.

"Seriously though, your mom will leave you alone if you pretend to have a girlfriend. Let one of us text you like we offered," says Jasper. "We are professional boyfriends now. Which reminds me, I need to text a few clients." He proceeds to pull out two phones from his pockets.

"Oh, me too. But Rose first. That woman is going to kill me. In the best way. You should see how bendy she is..."

"I love the way Alice screams when I-"

"I don't want to hear it," I interrupt.

"You need to get laid, Ed. Remember how testy I was when I had that long dry spell?"

"Heh. Testy. You were a total dick. And it was only like two weeks. That's not a dry spell."

"Two weeks was like the Sahara. Longest time with no pussy since tenth grade. Of course I've given up the strange putang since I met my woman," Emmett boasts.

"Me too. Alice is the one. I'm going to be her baby daddy some day. Maybe even get a dog or an apartment or some shit like that."

"Charming. You two really have a way with words. I can see why you've gone from out of work actors to professional texters."

"Dude. this is the best job. We're getting paid to write total bullshit to girls," says Emmett as he sends off several messages.

"Refreshing after doing that for free all these years," I add.

"Fuck yeah," Emmett says like he's proud.

"So It's not weird that you don't know those people?" I ask. I still don't get what their job is. I think it's ridiculous and I've told them several times. I can't believe this is an actual enterprise where people make money. But it is, because my friends actually pay for stuff now. Sometimes.

"No. It's great. Like a bunch of acting jobs all at once," replies Jasper. "And I make enough money for beer and to take Alice out for those coffee drinks she likes."

"So which one of us is going to do you, Ed?" asks Emmett. "I'll even sext you. I'll send you pictures, too. My boss is a hottie. I'll use her picture."

"No. There's no fucking way either of you would be my fake girlfriend. The emotional scarring would be pervasive."

"Geez. That was harsh," replies Emmett. His pout is really unattractive.

"If you don't want to date either of us, then sign up for the service," Jasper says.

"So you're saying that if I don't want to have a fake relationship with you, then I should have a fake relationship with one of your girlfriends."

"Err, yeah?"

"The whole thing is disturbing. I don't get how you all can pretend to be in a relationship with multiple people. It's like a real life version of The Bachelor but without all the crying."

"You'd be surprised how easy it is. Give it a chance."

"I'm barely holding on to the little respect I have for you two as it is, so I'd rather date one of mom's weird set-ups."

"Yeah. I hear your neighbor Bree started taking weekly showers," mutters Emmett. "Maybe you can get into her tailpipe."

.

.

.

"Hey Ed, you dropped your keys...catch!" Emmett shouts as I walk down the steps of the campus fitness center. I turn around to grab the tossed object, but Emmett's aim is slightly off so I have to reach back to get them. As I'm reaching, I feel my elbow hit something soft.

"Oof" is all I hear as I swear, "Oh shit."

I turn around and I see the most gorgeous brunette scowling at me. Rubbing her chest.

"Dude. You whacked me in the boob," she says.

I blink as I stare longingly at said boob being caressed by her slender, pale fingers. I'm speechless, which doesn't happen to me often. I also may be sporting a semi. Which may be slightly inappropriate considering the circumstances, but it's been a long time and she's really hot.

"This is what I get for actually attempting to work out. I'm going to kill Alice. I should've stayed home and worked on my new app. Imagine being sore before I even get on a machine," she mutters, walking away. It gives me a great view of her ass which is equally spectacular. Thank you, spandex shorts. "Thanks a lot," she adds, making me snap out of my hot girl haze.

"Fuck...I'm so sorry! I hope your boob-er, breast is okay," I call out after her. She turns around to glance at me. She snorts and shakes her head.

"Can I pay for your doctor bill?" I say, hopefully. "Nothing's damaged, right?"

"Oh my god, my implant ruptured!" she cries out, holding her chest.

"What...no...I'll call 911...fuck...should I apply pressure?" I reach out for her chest, and she grabs ahold of my hands.

She starts laughing. "I'm messing with you. Geez. Like these are implants." She gestures to her chest.

"But they're really perfect," I mumble. "You're perfect."

She blushes. She looks even better with pink cheeks.

"I'm really sorry I hit you and then stood there like an idiot."

"No harm done. They'll be lopsided forever, but they weren't seeing much action anyway."

Again I gape at her chest. She laughs and walks off. "Still messing with you."

I'm standing there watching her walk into the fitness center when my two friends join me.

"Pleases mess with me again," I call out, weakly. What the fuck just happened?

"Nice pull, Ed," Emmett says.

"There was no pull...I mean not that kind. I just hit her."

"What the hell?" exclaims Jasper.

"I didn't mean it that way. I accidentally elbowed her in the chest - when this idiot chucked my keys. And then I just stood there because she was so...well, you could see her. And she was funny and smart too. Fuck."

"Dude I'm sure you'll get another chance to talk to her, I mean she's our-" Jasper says before being interrupted by Emmett.

"She's a student here, so I bet we'll see her again," he says, nudging Jasper. "Right?"

"Yeah," Jasper says. "Maybe sooner than you think."

* * *

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